I had the most interesting mini-epiphany this morning. Life has been super hectic for me lately: the usual clamour of winter deadlines coupled with the energy-draining thrills of apartment hunting. It’s been so busy I haven’t even taken the time to do the kind of contemplative thinking about the new year which usually occupies me at this time of the year.
This morning, it really hit me: I have been spending so much time focusing on work and on dealing with the uncertainty of not knowing where I’ll be living next month or the month after that, I’ve totally lost track of my Now.
So much of my life lately has been about the future: Where will I be living? What will it be like? How will Dylan adjust? And I’ve been putting off everything I want to do, postponing it into the future. When I’m more settled, I’ve been telling myself. That’s when I’ll do all these things. When I’m more settled.
I’m talking about all the things that are important to me. Like writing. And going out for walks. And adding more art into my life. By focusing so much on the future, I’ve been willingly postponing all of these things.
No wonder I’ve been feeling so tired. So de-energized. So anxious and on edge. I’ve removed the fun from my life and placed it all within the near future, where it’s only vaguely accessible to me.
And you know what? I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to wait until I’m “more settled”. I have this Now, this moment—it is mine, all mine, and there is no reason why I cannot be here now, truly be here. And all the reasons in the world why I should be here now.
We put in two offers last night. My ex’s offer is more or less a sure thing, as the owners of the unit he’s put in an offer for are very motivated to sign a lease. The unit I’ve put in an offer for has a competing offer on the table already. I was filled with angst last night about this, but this morning, I’ve found peace. Because it would be wonderful if we got the units, but it’s not a disaster if we don’t. If it doesn’t work out, there are many, many condo developments in this city, and there are many, many apartWments going up for rent every single day.
I will find the right apartment for me. My ex will find the right apartment for him. And together they will both be the right apartments for our son.
So I’ve found my Now. For this moment only, and I know I will get all tangled up in the knots of uncertainty again, sooner or later, but that really doesn’t matter, not right now, when I’ve found my Now.
Update: I’ve just started reading again from Practicing the Power of Now, which is basically composed of excerpts from Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, picking up from where I’d left it back in the fall. And this is from today’s reading:
When the compulsive striving away from the Now ceases, the joy of Being flows into everything you do. The moment your attention turns to the Now, you feel a presence, a stillness, a peace. You no longer depend on the future for fulfillment and satisfaction-you don’t look to it for salvation. Therefore, you are not attached to the results. Neither failure nor success has the power to change your inner state of Being. You have found the life underneath your life situation.
I am feeling quite awed at how accurately these words reflect what I just wrote about minutes ago in this post!